Went to Megan's house but got caught in the rain on the way there. Note to self: always carry an umbrella with you wherever you go. Anyway, we had some real good food for dinner! I can't remember the name of the restaurant but I remember the staff were wearing tees with MOF printed on them. I think it is a branch out or some other restaurant in the same association as Ministry of Food. Had pizza, japanese curry omelette, dory with mushroom sauce, asian hotpot,potato wedges,cabonara, sweet corn and hazelnut latte. Th food was really yummy and definitely worth the wait! Of course we were all stuffed after that and I had to leave Megan's house even before I could try the peach and strawberry strudels (which I was really looking forward to )
I should've taken some pictures of the food so that it won't be all wordy but...
Was browsing through instagram and happened to click on your name and I realised I don't get that much of the tingly feeling anymore. Not as long as last time and I dont seem to think about it anymore. I guess this is for the better, I mean it is always good to move on right?
Learnt a lot of things today from the sharing and I really enjoy such sessions. I think it helps me remain grounded and every time I feel my thoughts getting the better of me, these kind of sessions bring me back to my senses and keeps me from falling in that direction again. I think I'm getting better, I mean they don't come as much as they did last time. Though I experienced it again just yesterday or the day before. I guess I just have to live with this problem of mine by learning how to control and manage it, instead of being sucked into it like I do sometimes. It's really amazing how some days, your thoughts just ruin your whole mood and nothing seems to go your way. Some days when I wake up and feel all miserable and sad and all the negativity clouding my mind and I just feel like staying at home all day but my circumstances dont allow me to. Maybe all these are just part of growing up, or the changing phase, or puberty, I don't know. But it is like a big chunk of sticky blob that is plastered on my heart and my mind. As I scrap them off they start to form again.I know that if I am not willing to give it up, it will always be there bothering me and weighing me down, but I need more time. Time and tide waits for no man. How true. If time would pass more slowly, maybe each time it happens I can recover fast enough instead of being sucked into the hands of the monster. The devil really is devious and mean, using unscrupulous means and ways to eat you slowly from the inside and corrupting your mind. He really doesnt do much attack in physical state, but instead inflict fear, guilt, incompetency, anger,greed and all these bad stuff to steal,kill and destroy. And that is why I constantly need to go back to the Word. Slowly I'm doing that step by step, I believe the deeper the relationship I have, the better I will be at controlling myself and maybe someday I will be completely free. Free from this negativity, hurt, anger and jealousy.
Some things just have to be kept to yourself cause saying it out makes things worst and make it seem as though I'm vulnerable and attention seeking. That's why I believe deep down, everyone has their own hidden thoughts and feelings they never share with anyone,because there wont be any use. Will anyone care to listen,or endure all my stupid thinking, after all it will seem as something stupid or small in someone else's eyes. Not that it is such a big issue that many people around the world are facing. I know how privileged and blessed I am to have the things I have right now and in terms of many things, I am living a blessed life. But everyone has their own deepest darkest secrets and feelings that they dont share right? What hurts them the most what they want to happen and all those kind of things. Personal thoughts you can say. I'm not trying to be attention seeking or tell the whole wide world all these things that make me seem bitter, ungrateful and just attention seeking and desperate. Like those emo tweets and statuses full of self pity, no, the only reason why I type these thoughts I have here is because this is an avenue where I can physically release my thoughts because if I keep them all in my head, I will really be bitter. I tend to overthink a lot and dwell on things that may seem very insignificant. I guess you can say some things just stay in your mind longer then you want them to. I feel better once I type everything out. It is like I'm telling someone who just listens and not say a word. Silence can be comforting at times. Sometimes I much prefer when people remain silent and have those thoughts in their head instead of saying them aloud. I know it is good to be truthful and honest, and of course I dont support lying, but some things are better not said. Because when they don't say, I can assume and believe something else,but once it gets out of their mouths', no amount of assumptions I have can cover the truth. The truth has already been said, and the truth will hurt. I've heard so many times that you can choose to let it get to you and hurt you, or choose to ignore and believe in yourself. I mean I tell that to my friends many times too. But it is really not easy to brush away such words. Not outright words like "you're fat" ,"you're ugly" ,I mean those words cause a great deal of harm and no one should say that to anyone" but it is those indirect words that get me a lot. Comparisons especially, And even worse, is that it is not even comparison of grades or abilities. I wouldnt mind that, really, I so much prefer that to this. Not everyone is born with that killer confidence, and such things really do not aid the building of self confidence, really. Each time I find myself improving and moving up a notch, someone comes along and does the same thing again, and I drop lower and lower. Not everday it happens though. But once in a while it acts up and erupts like a violent eruption. Never a peaceful and quiet one, but always one that stirs up lots of deadly lava, which only overflows and overflows and coming to a halt after destroying everything in it's way. How scary .
I often wonder what the people around me think in their free time. Like I know what I think about, and it's almost always the same thing every time. Do my friends also think about these things? Do you wish sometimes that you can just peel off the layer of skin on your body and restart with a new layer? So many times I wish I could do that, start afresh. Change is always scary, after all you're doing something out of your comfort zone and the thing you fear the most haunts you each time you take a step to change. It is like it lingers in my shadows where I can never seem to run away from it. As I run even faster, it comes even faster. I dont know when I started to feel this way, and so much until I feel like it has become part of my life. The turning point must've been in secondary 2 when it got quite bad. It was because I was in the process of trying to struggle with what I wished and dreamed of, and what was presented before me. In the end, I chose to succumb and accepted defeat. Not because I gave up, but because I did not. Because if I chose to give up at that point, I would've just ended it right there. Be bitter,sad,miserable,angry,distant and cold. I'm not saying I'm going through the worst ordeal anyone can ever experience in their life. Not close even. It is just that little thing that makes me uncomfortable that's all. Like I said, something I have to live with. Definitely I do wish that one day I can get this all out and feel that heavy burden on my chest lifted and thrown into the abyss . Time and His love. I know I can overcome this, just a matter of time and willpower?
I'm really unsure why I choose to hold onto it so much even when I should let it go. It is weird that what eats me up gives me motivation at the same time. Like sadness is my happiness at times. It is like I'm constantly having an internal conflict, and internal battle between what I want, what I should do, and what I have to do.
But through all these, I am still thankful for my family and friends. Though I have never shared what I've said here to any other human that I love, I really appreciate and am thankful for all the love and support you guys have showered me with. Be it the laughters we shared, or the arguments we had, but most importantly, I can be with you guys without having to worry about what I worry about a lot.