I figured that it'll never be smooth sailing. Even though Life is indeed a 'one-movement work' and a 'free-flowing structure', it definitely is 'episodic yet integrated, featuring a range of highly contrasted moods, colour and tonality'.
The open and close inverted commas are there just to highlight, once again, my relatively puny vocabulary, such that Wikipedia has become an acquaintance. And perhaps spelling check my right-hand man.
It's only been about 3 months there about since I completed the dreadful A levels (AKA the tap of which has become faulty), and I've decided to finally "document" the experience. Not because I particularly enjoyed it and want to remember it for life, no no bless my soul I pray everyday that I can forget the pains and the sadness of it, but because I think that period was truly a time whereby I understood what it meant to praise God even in tough times.
Don't get me wrong here, I'm no holy saint or angel that you're imagining- some smiley and happy goof that is positive about everything. Instead, I'm that one pathetic soul that cried almost everyday for a good 3 months, had dreams that were nothing but destruction and torment, and felt the loneliest I've ever felt (yes, even more than when I watch movies alone or when I'm the third wheel). However, it was really during that period that I was the recipient, an undeserving one mind you, of many blessings. Friends of whom I hardly know, yet prayed for me daily. Family of which reminded me of the things that matter in life. Be it your prayers, time or food, I'm eternally grateful to each and every one of you who were there with me. I can guarantee that I was the most difficult person to love at that point, and maybe now even, yet you still drizzle drops of love and showers of blessings over me. I'm sorry my infiltration rate was almost zero, and I practically had no field capacity, but I'm really really thankful.
Even after coming back from Hong Kong, I thought I would feel free and liberated. Well, ' I thought' is a pretty scary thought, coming to think about it. Instead, I was thrown into this slump- no, not the cosy kind where you're wrapped up in thick covers that smell of clean bathrooms. I felt listless, aimless and useless. Basically, as all 3 adjectives ( or are they verbs?) prelude, I felt really less than what I was. If that makes any sense. It was as if the tides of the tsunami had crashed and I was still flooded by the raging waters of the disaster. Results, school, work, friendships.....all that shit that hits you when the big ( or not so big) 2 creeps out and then pounces you.
I'm picking up the pieces now. Though there's not much debris to begin with, more like the cleansing of the dirt that has chugged my soul. God is really good. I can't really pinpoint one exact aha moment where I'm like "IT"S BECAUSE OF THIS". Honestly, I wish it were that way, makes it easier to share with my friends. However, I'm still figuring out why I feel that way. There're still countless doubts and questions that I have in this stringy brain of mind(/e). Definitely, there are many situations and occasions that I wish never happened. From the pits of my bottomless pit, I wish them back into the alphabet or into that hole of the 'never will be'. But I guess there's a purpose for everything that happens, and it's really up to my perspective that'll determine the terror/joy that they inflict. So to my dear perspective(s), please choose wisely. If you may, please rotate 360 degrees before coming to a conclusion, and even then, don't be idle.
This past week has got me running through different doors of experiences. Some much scarier than others.
Note to self: before you open each door, pray hard. You'd never know what lurks behind(or beneath)
Cold. Unfriendly. Unapproachable. Heh, that's me alright. Or maybe not me, me, but that's how my defence looks like. Ain't that fence pretty solid? North Korea should really adopt my defence mechanism man, not to self-praise, but at least this ain't gonna waste much resources. Anyway, I've decided to change up the menu quite the bit. Experimenting. Please pardon me. I'm no rocket scientist. In fact, I'm no scientist or science-person related, so I'm gonna make some pretty dangerous concoctions that may either combust into an explosion of all-things-wrong, or turn into fireworks that will serve to guide me to fostering better relationships and making better decisions. Although, fireworks are kinda spluttery and not exactly straight forward. Oh wells, at least momentarily I go straight up before having to decide for myself again. Some thing is better than none at all. Be thankful.
As much as this isn't exactly private, no two actually reads this. Two because y'know I read this and I'm kinda a one so...you get the gist aye. Therefore I shall go on blopping about how I'M SO HAPPY FOR MY FRIEND WHO WENT OVER TO THE DARK SIDE!!!!! To keep things a tad bit more confidential (although established- this is a safe(r) ground), I shall name no names. (S)he-who-shall-not-be-named. Rings a bell? Nope, not sir voldermolt. Give you more of a hint. [I inserted the 's' after typing the previous sentence]. Eeks, I'm like a spoilt recorder that squeals repeatedly and randomly at the thought of all the cheese that has already melted and of those that has yet to be sprinkled.
So cheers to more pizzas that are either already baking or are being rolled out. I'm waiting for you!