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| artwork by Morgan Fink Paixao |
Apprehension and dread- the woozles, fill my heart as I enter into this new semester.
Perhaps it's the premonition of the imminent internship, echoeing the future of the working world. How I presume it to be full of viscious snakes and vipers, waiting to consume and grow at the mercy of the underprivileged, of the meek, of the weak. And why my apprehension, because I perceive myself to be the weak. I lack so much , so many of the attirbutes that make one 'powerful', 'successful' and 'revered'. I guess I forget how much I'm missing out on God right here in my thinking. How conceptualization eats up my soul. Wrong conceptualization. Poor visualization.
Sometimes I get so above my head, into the galaxies, and think of how much potential I have within me that I'm not tapping on. Still trying to figure out how to progress in humility, and I think it's really about acknowleging God. That there is a God. That I will lack. That I cannot be the best in everything; perfection doesn't exist. At least not in humans. To recognise that, and acknowlege it, is a process I'm still walking in. Amidst the many other journeys, paths, voyages I'm taking. For some, it's a backward motion, others, a standstill. But what's different, I would suppose, would be that I'm a little more hopeful this time (as compared to the last semester). Also, a little more fearful.
I'm going to turn 23 soon. And I haven't accomplished much. But I think I'm starting, not fully there yet, but I'm on my way to being okay with that. That there'll be just so many things I wish I could've done, thatI wish I could proudly fill in my personal resume. But that is okay. I may never ever be able to scale Everest, but hey, not everyone was made to be a mountaineer of that caliber. Bukit Timah hill is enough of a feat for me. And to be honest, the sense of accomplishment of an experienced mountaineer who scaled Everest, may be just as much as a novice who finished the hill.
What can I say, such are very much subjective. In the eyes of the world, that who conquered Everst has achieved much more than the unknown finisher of the hill. But to the one who scaled, the same joy sits in her soul.