Well, I know no one except me probably reads these stuff posted. So, I'm just gonna pour out some of the things I felt/discovered/experienced in the closet.
1. As cliche and boring as this sounds, first would be my MYA. I know I didnt put in as much effort as I usually would to any other exam I have had before. Some people say they don't study and all, and I shall not doubt them, but this time don't doubt me when I said I didn't study really hard for it too. I don't know what happened, ever since poly, I stopped studying really hard for exams. Maybe for the fear that hard work wont pay off, and at the end of the day I'm just gonna be that noob that studies and is so guai, yet doesnt score anything. (versus the cool hot party chick that doesnt seem to study and yet scores like straight As) I know that God is the one in charge of everything, and who am I to claim the 'glory' of my good results as my own, but that's an area that I'm really struggling with right now.
2. I used to comfort myself with this saying " Even if you are pretty, there's always gonna be someone prettier", it was what kept me going and stop comparing. As some of you (or at least myself) know, I really like to look at pretty girls. I secretly think there is something wrong with me. Not the part where I like to look at them, but the fact that I am obsessed. As mentioned, that phrase used to help me get by with life. However recently, I chanced upon this thought, "Yes, there's always going to be someone better looking, but at least can I fit into the general pretty range?" Sounds super shameless, I know, but hear me out. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but do you get affected when you find out how some guys (even the ones you thought were better) only choose/prefer to talk to the prettier ones? How prettier people get more friends that genuinely want to be their friend-girl or guy. It really stinks when you're the worse looking among all your friends, you get me. How I'm secretly afraid that when I meet someone , he/she would no longer be interested in being my friend once he/she sees my other friends. Not that it hasnt happened before, so who says it wont happen again, given the current situation.
So many times I just feel like staying in my closet, when I can feel cool and free. I guess closet time is over, time for me to get out of the door again. I believe we all have a Narnia in our minds' and hearts', just how frequently we visit her and how big she is. Let's just say I think my Narnia is constantly expanding as I grow older, making it more difficult for me to leave each time. Every time I revisit her, either the white witch or Aslan wins. These days, the white witch overcomes.
Why, why why?
I guess the answer doesnt like in the why, but in God. I'm not the perfect Christian, and at times I do feel lost, doubtful, hurt etc. I don't get answers to all my questions, and definitely still struggle with many many things I wish I don't. But I know that God never fails, and I come onto my knees at the foot of the cross, praying God that You will turn and heal this servant of Yours.